I have, unfortunately, yet to be able to test out my theory of man-dog-bait. In reviewing my plan, I had the realization that I was having déjà vu.  I have already tried this method.  When I was 12.  When I was 12, I used to go to my aunt and uncle’s house every day after school.  They happened to live in the same neighborhood as the cutest boy in my class. *SQUEE!*  I wanted to walk past his house but I had enough wherewithal to not want to seem like a stalker.  So, I would “walk” my aunt and uncle’s golden retriever, who also just happened to be the cutest dog in the neighborhood.  My theory was, walk the cute dog to attract the cute boy.  And you know what?  It totally worked!  If he was outside when we walked by, he would stop playing basketball to chat and pet the dog.  Who knew I was such a smart 12 year old!  I will be testing this theory out as a grown up for sure, very soon.  Until then, I was thinking that I should probably go back and write down some of the awesome..ly bad dating stories I have that gave me the motivation to begin this blog.  There may even be a few of you out there who still haven’t heard them.  I’ll start with the worst one I have in my arsenal.  It also happens to be the longest.  Enjoy!

Story #1- The Forgetful Rugby Player and the Face-Squish Heard Round the World!

Back in 2009, I was on a dating spree!  I was attempting to get over a crush on a guy who I was friends with, who wanted to remain just friends.  The first date with this guy was lovely.  We went to dinner and drinks in Palo Alto.  The second date is where my story begins.  He was to pick me up at the apartment I shared with my sister.  A couple things to note on this guy;  he was a big shot, according to him, at a well known company in the Bay Area and that company afforded him a Lincoln Town car and driver, a la Mr.Big in Sex and the City.  He also grew up in the UK and was a retired rugby player.

When he arrived at the house that night, I was looking good, as I do for all my dates.  My sister was on the couch and was looking forward to meeting duder.  I let him in and introduced him.  We were all chatting when, out of the blue, interrupting the conversation, he turns toward me, brushes my hair away from my face and asks my sister, “Isn’t your sister the most beautiful girl?” and then proceeded to give me the most awkward side-face/ear kiss.  My sister couldn’t help but appear a bit horrified and quizzical, as she cocked her head to the side, like a confused puppy.  His timing was odd, it was awkward, and we both didn’t appreciated the interruption.   She realized he asked her a question and agreed with him, nodding with her mouth agape.  I took that opportunity to suggest we head to dinner.  I was driving.  There was absolutely no way I was getting in the town car, with the driver, until I knew this guy better.  I wasn’t sure he would be able to keep his hands to himself.  I sometimes shock myself with what a good judge of character I am.

As we went to leave, I turned around to see if he closed the door behind him, only to find him coming at me, arms extended and hands about a head’s width apart. His large, rugby playing hands found my face and squished as he leaned in to give me a head-in-a-vice, fishy-lip kiss.  I, legit, looked like a cabbage patch doll.  I’ll let that imagery sink in…  My sister got up to close the door behind him, thinking to herself that he must have been raised in a barn, when she saw the face squishing happening.  She shut the door and I heard, “BAHAHAHAHAHA!!”, coming from inside.  He then pulled away from me, my face still clamped in his hands, “Can I use your restroom?”, he asked.  I, wordlessly, nodded yes.  Back inside we went.  While he was in the facilities, my sister and I silently laughed our asses off.  She told me to text her if I needed an out.  Maybe intuition runs in the family.

Finally, we were on the way to the restaurant, which just happened to be my favorite restaurant of all time, this little Thai place.  We pull up to the restaurant and he asks, “What’s this?”, waiving his hand at the building exterior.  “This is my favorite restaurant ever!  Give it a chance!”, I retorted in defense.  We walk up and all he wanted to do is make out some more before we head inside.  I refused.  Not only was I not prepared for the first kiss, but I definitely wasn’t about PDA with this guy.  As we entered, we both noticed that they had recently lost their liquor license.  I thought nothing of it since I don’t usually drink when I eat there.  My date, on the other hand, was extremely unhappy.  He loudly proclaimed, “They don’t serve alcohol!?”.  I said that they usually serve beer and wine but that something must have happened recently.  He was visibly upset.

We were sat at a 4 top.  I sat on the inside chair first.  After seeing this, my date chose the chair kitty-corner to me.  Now I was the one to tilt my head, as would a confused puppy.  I asked why he wasn’t sitting across from me.  He retorted, “More leg room.”.  I felt awkward so I moved across from him.  He sat there, with his arms crossed glaring at me.  He didn’t pick up the menu to look.  He just sat there.  When he did begin to speak, he begun to tell me, almost verbatim, everything he had already told me about himself on the first date.  I tried to hint subtly by finishing some of his sentences or dropping hints, that I may have already heard these things before.  He wasn’t catching on.  All I could think was that he either dated too much and couldn’t remember who he told what to or one too many rugby matches.  He let me order for us.  The food came.  He didn’t eat a thing, I assume it was because he was still pouting over the lack of libations.  I have come to think that the driver of the Lincoln Town car was because he had a DUI or a drinking problem. His reaction to the lack of alcohol was really telling.

In the middle of my meal, he leaned back in his chair, with an angry face, and said, “There is someone else isn’t there!?”!  …Was I on a hidden camera show?!?  At this point, I knew this guy was crazy.  I mean, this was our second date!  Even if there was someone else, what the hell dude?!  I saw my out and I took it!  I said, “Yes, there is and I really like him.”  He proceeded to tell me how he knew it the whole time and how I was rude for having him come all the way out from SF.  I apologized as the check came.  I pulled out my wallet and plopped down my card.  He looked at it and said something about me being a woman and paying.  I saw RED.  I told him this date was over and I was leaving.  He asked me how he was going to meet up with his driver, whom he sent back to SF.  I’m sure he probably thought he was getting lucky that night.  I told him I didn’t care, took my leftovers, and walked out.  Did I mention it was raining?

Quick update on this guy, I was on a date years later with another guy, telling this story, when, before I got to the squished face part, my date asked, “Did he squish your face!?”.  I stared at him in shock.  “How did you know that!?”, horrified that he might be friends with the dude.  He said that a friend of his had gone on a date with the same guy!  That she had the same story!  So for all you ladies out that who have had your head squished and forced kissed by a large, ex rugby player, there are at least two of us out there that feel your pain!

I’ve been dating online for years now and, regardless of how long I’ve been doing it, it can still shock and horrify me.  The most recent experience has me back in a I’m-never-online-dating-again-because-there-are-no-decent-people-on-the-interwebs mode.  Tuesday, I was having a nice chat, including humorous banter back and forth, with a new guy on OKCupid.  He said he wanted to leave his job in finance to become a lifeguard.  I commented that the good news was that he was in California, so he could at least be a lifeguard year round but that the bad news was that he was in California and that he might end up a homeless lifeguard.  Then, out of no where he asks me. “Have you ever been a bad girl?”.  In that instance, I knew what category this guy fell into.  The bait and switch guy.  He doesn’t want to be sexual right away because he could scare you off, so he tricks girls into thinking that he might be decent, when he is really only looking to talk dirty and get naked.  Luckily for me, he showed his true colors before I invested very much time at all.  He was the final straw this go round.

That is my cycle.  I date online until I hit my breaking point from the slew of lewd messages, I take a hiatus for a while, get lonely, forget my own horror stories and jump back in the deep-end of the online dating cesspool.  In November, I had thrown myself into online dating again.  I was coerced into joining… wait for it… Tinder… *GASP!*… The shame, I know, I know.  This just might be the worst of all the online dating sites.  My best friend swore up and down that she knew someone who had met someone from the notorious hook-up site and they were actually dating.  I gave it a chance and what I have discovered is that it is an enormous, shallow, buffet of people and if you tire of someone you begun to talk to, it is just that easy to vanish like a fart in the wind.  Trust me, I know.  It has happened no less than 6 times to me since November.  I would understand if I had done something crazy but after analyzing the messages and texts, my friends and I have determined that it is not me.  Could be biased but I’m going to overlook that detail.  Also, I have to say that I am ashamed to admit I have also been an offender of the disappearing act.  Sometimes you discover that you aren’t a match and instead of having the courage to tell that person to their face, it is just easier to evaporate.  I get it.  I could say that I’m not crazy until I’m blue in the face but regardless, there is the fear of what the other person will say or do to try to change your mind about dating them.  That being said, we did find out where one of the guys lived and drove past his place to check it out.  He totally lied about living with his parents, by the way.  My one friend could be a private detective if she wanted and, I’ve said on more than one occasion, I’m glad she is my friend and not my enemy!

Since I’m back to trying to date the old fashioned way, offline, I’ve decided to borrow my friend’s Siberian Husky for the weekend.   We are going to troll dog parks together, a new kind of bait-and-switch.  I’ve noticed that there were tons of guys online that said they would swipe right if I had a dog so we will see how many of them hang out at dog parks.  It might be dishonest but I’m sure there are worse things out there than appearing to have a dog when I actually don’t.  Maybe I’ve found the new “bar” in the dating world.  I can’t wait to find out.  If anything I’ll have a fun day with a puppy.  I might even get a new story out of it.