My best friend jokes around that I never truly break up with someone. I mean, even though I am currently single, she has noticed my (very bad) habit of allowing the men I’ve dated in the past to stay in the present and it totally bothers her. She is married and doesn’t speak to any of her exes but I do wonder if that would be the case if she was still single. She feels that there is no room for someone new with the clutter of exes I maintain. She calls me The Collector; a collector of men. These men may honestly and truly be just friends with me now, they may be sticking around for some friends with benefits situation, or they try to reach out here and there, in hopes of a reply from me. My level of communication with them varies greatly from potentially weekly chats to maybe every six months to where they never receive a reply from me at all. There are probably way more of these men in my life than what some might deem normal. If I’m being honest, a number of them even have their own blog entries here… I feel like if they do have a blog entry, their behavior was very bad and the literal writing is plainly on the wall but I chose to ignore it and let them stay fixtures in my text messages, on my social media and sometimes in my bed. Regardless, I think they do care about me in their own way or they wouldn’t want me in their lives.

I’m not sure if it is the current state of the world or perhaps loneliness but last Sunday, I had six text messages from six different men from my past come over. Two were apologies, two were checking in on me and two were reprimanding me for not responding to any of their texts. Woah. That was a lot for even me. I did reply to two of them; one apology and one checking in. Sometimes I wonder why I allow men, who didn’t think I was worthy enough to love or who treated me poorly, back into my life. I think I must get a portion of what I’m missing from being in a relationship from each of them. That and I’m a bit of a masochist… I feel like they need me in some way. As a kind soul, despite the fact that letting them back in could potentially be detrimental to my mental wellbeing, I approve of the place they hold in my life. It’s nice to be needed. A few of them regret how things ended or how they treated me and wish we could date again. Those are usually the ones I don’t reply to. I have my reasons for not responding but I also don’t block them. I can admit that I get some sort of satisfaction when they reach out. It’s nice to be desired, especially lately, when the potential new suitors are nowhere to be found. No dating for me during the pandemic. I tried but it was mostly annoying so dating is on hold currently.

My best friend doesn’t really know most of the men I’ve “collected”. We either dated too briefly or she just never had the opportunity to meet them. She has mainly just heard stories and knows that many of them hurt me at some point. She is very protective over me. My pain is her pain but, while I appreciate her defensiveness, I need to let go of people in my own time. I have done it before when both of my best friends never thought I would. 5 years strong this year and if I never speak to this individual I’m referring to ever again, it would be too soon. He would need a three part blog entry but I just don’t have the energy. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve any more of my attention.

I absolutely know, when I find someone new, I’ll let some people go. It’s the natural progression of life. As I’ve aged, I realize that some people just don’t stay in your life and that is ok. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this. A few of these men are truly decent people and, despite our relationships not panning out, they are some of my very good friends now. I will clean house of the riffraff but a few are here to stay. Whoever I’m with will just have to be okay with this. I will never be the girl who says to someone, “My boyfriend/husband won’t let me be friends with you.” That just isn’t me and I’m not the girl for you if you’re not okay with this. I haven’t waited as long as I have for my partner to be with someone that controlling. Trust is imperative and we have nothing if we don’t have trust. I promise they will just be friends and if they don’t respect my relationship then they will have to go.

I hope one day to find someone who gives me everything I deserve in a partner. I don’t expect perfection, as no one is perfect. I just want someone who complements my personality, loves and respects me. I only ask what I am prepared to give. That’s all I can do. Until then, I’ll continue “collecting” for now.